Friday, June 19, 2009

My Thoughts on Father's Day

I love to celebrate. Anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, Tuesdays, anytime is a welcome day for a party. Just ask my family.

I love being treated special on Mother's Day. Being a mom is the single greatest thing I have ever done in my life. I have enjoyed every moment of it. I am grateful for a wonderful husband who supported our family so that I could be a stay at home mom when staying at home wasn't cool.

I love being able to celebrate my husband on Father's Day with our daughters. It's makes me happy to be able to totally pamper him (when he lets us!) and let him know how special, wonderful, awesome he is to us.

But it ends there for me honestly. I have a difficult time celebrating my dad. I look at the cards, I have every good intention, but there isn't one that says "Well, ok. So that's it. Happy Day." For you see, I've known as long as I can remember that I was supposed to be a boy. I started out life a disappointment to my dad.

Understand this, he didn't mention it daily, but he mentioned it enough. So did my grandmother and when my sister was born and there could be no more children, can imagine. Or maybe you can't, I hope not. So he was the ultimate failure, not producing a son, and yet somehow is was our fault for being girls. Guess that biology class was one he missed.

I compensated for not being male by being a total over-achiever. Great grades, always first, always best or died trying. My sister was a tomboy, always cute, always smiling. We were not unhappy children, just not really noticed. Not neglected, just marginalized...especially at family reunions and such. For you see, my dad is the oldest son and Jr. no less. I should have been blah blah blah, III. The third in a long, male dominated line of rednecks. Quite prestigious. ????

I digress...there were many wonderful moments, I have MUCH to be thankful and grateful for and I try to focus on those things. I have "put my behind in the past" to quote Timone in Lion King. Which brings me back to Father's Day.

If you have read my post for any time at all or know me personally, you know I am the primary caretaker of my now alzheimers dad. I am also chief grocery shopper for my grandmother, his mom. Kind of puts a new light on it huh? He doesn't deserve my care. He wouldn't be part of my life if he weren't sick. He divorced me when he divorced my mom. So why do I care?

Some days, honestly, I don't. It makes me mad, I sometimes throw little fits in my head. But then I come back to the realization that when I didn't love God, He knew me and loved me. He gave up heaven, came to earth and died for me. For you. All He asks of me is to love Him back. To accept His most wonderful of gifts, salvation. Redemption wrapped in a crown of thorns. What a gift! He also asks that I honor my Father and Mother. In humble, loving obedience I do. In gratefulness for all He has done for me, I do. For the reminder of loving Fathers everywhere, like my husband, I do. Because my children are watching and learning even as adults, I do.

Because somewhere in my heart, I love my dad. I can't find a card that expresses it accurately and to be honest, he can't read anymore. So I'll just say Happy Father's Day and tell him I love him. Cause after it is all said and done, I do.

Life is too short to focus on those things that do not bring me closer to God. When my days on this earth are done, I want to leave waves of love lapping behind me on the shores of my life.


1 comment:

jen said...

you know, my father has alzheimer's. i relate to some of what you are saying here. you're very brave to take care of him like you are.

my brother felt great pressure to carry on the family name, but he only had one child, a girl. he loved her very much, but my father was disappointed he didn't have a son. it made the whole family anxious, uneasy, but this post lets me know even more of how he felt.