Monday, June 17, 2013

Reflecting on dads...

Yesterday was Father's Day. And I've been in a little bit of a funk about it.

I have a great husband and he's tried really hard to be a great dad. I appreciate his efforts and so do our girls. I am grateful for his struggles to do the best job for our children having never seen it from his own dad. God is good.

But that isn't where the funk comes from.

Looking back at his dad and my dad, I feel cheated. I don't have those rosy, fun, uplifting dad stories that many people have. Neither of us do. Our dads were lazy, selfish and uninvolved. More than that, they caused great pain by putting themselves ahead of their wives (ex-wives) and children. They left, many times. They created holes of regret and abandonment in our lives. Even into our adulthoods and our children's lives, they created places of hurt. Sometimes I'm really angry still, sometimes I'm really jealous and sometimes, I'm just in a funk. That would be today.

It's hard to admit that two men who are no longer living still have such impact. Especially when I do have so much to be grateful for. But yesterday was a reminder that I missed out and I don't like it. I wish it could've been different. I wish they had chosen to serve, protect and love their families. I wish they would have decided to have fun with us, invest in us, support us and stay with us. But they didn't.

There is good news. At some point in my life, I began to see God through the haze of my earthly father. I began to look to Him for the everything my dad hadn't given me, hadn't done for me. I began to learn of His love for me and see my own dad in a different light. My dad didn't do the best he could, but I haven't always either.

I'm still healing. Another onion layer pulled back and another chance to let God clean out more gunk. Search me Oh God and know my heart.

I'm just glad I don't have to lean on Hallmark for my sentiments. :-)