Monday, June 15, 2009

Losing Yourself

I've had several observations recently and they all go back to this topic--Losing Yourself.

My alzheimers dad is losing himself. Sometimes in big chunks, sometimes in tiny pieces, but gone all the same. Parts of his mind remember the times when he "could". Remember the times when he "used to". It's sad to see those remembrances slip through his fingers like water. Just at the point he starts to grab's gone. You can see it happen. Idea...realization...understanding...forgotten. It's lost, another piece of himself. It might drift back through, but that is becoming less likely as the days pass. One day, he won't remember he's forgotten. He'll be gone.

I have a dear friend in a very tough work situation. She is trying oh so hard to be positive, effective, motivated, loyal and yet as the time moves on without support, without encouragement, without feedback, she struggles to keep hold of herself. To not lose herself in the complacency and negativity that surround her. The absolute falseness of the people she interacts with daily. In maintaining the public facade, she is losing herself. No longer positive, motivated, effective, she struggles with loyalty to an organization that is not loyal to its employees. Image is everything and yet is a great deception. I hope she is free to move on soon, she will remember, rebuild and renew.

And lastly, I think I have lost pieces of myself. The pieces that held grudges, judged harshly, worried about socks matching. I've come to a place and time in life that I really do believe and rest in the fact that God is in control. There is not a moment of time where God looks up, smacks his forehead and says "oops! missed that!" He is always, everywhere, all-knowing, all-loving and I count on that. I hope to lose more pieces of myself that do not look like Him.


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