so i'll start with this blog i read recently.....http://bobbickford.typepad.com/bobs_blog/2007/09/doing-the-last-.html
it's his work, not mine....mine's at the bottom...
September 27, 2007
Doing the Last Thing Yout Want to Do--First
Marriage is the union of two selfish people. Competing desires collide creating friction and frustration. Each person is waiting for the other to make the first move. Husbands and wives, who promised to love and cherish forever now locked in a stalemate, angry.
I've been there. Withholding affection, attention and acts of kind service because she hasn't or won't or doesn't care to. It seemed like the right thing to do--penalize her, freeze her out with cold silence, withhold what she desires most until I get what I want. Seeing this in letters makes me look like the kid who took his toys and ran home. Yeah, that'll teach her.
It teaches her that I'm selfish, immature and concerned more about me rather than her. That'll make her want to love me won't it? Stupid
What I've been learning is that the last thing I want to do should be the first thing I do.
I don't want to help with dinner, dishes or the kids homework and bedtime, I don't want to cut my workout short--I want to sit and mindlessly flip through the TV, surf the net or pretend to read the mail. I don't want to listen--I'm listened out. I don't want to fix that door/microwave/floor, cabinet that's been in "process" for months. I know what I want to do...I know what she wants me to do....and I don't want to do it. In turn she doesn't want to do what I want her to do either.
We're on the opposite sides of a carousel hopelessly spinning around.
It's my responsibility to make the first move. When I do, she feels loved, valued and cared for. In turn she'll likely express that in ways I appreciate. If the only reason for my moving toward her is for what it may do for me she'll see right through it, if my motives are sincere she'll be blessed. Ultimately, I'll be blessed in turn.
Husbands...do the last thing first.
Thanks Bob!! here's mine....
marriage isn't math
i'm sure that when you met your spouse you didn't say to yourself "there is an 83% chance that this one is THE one. given my aptitude for training, i can close the gap to 90% or so in a relatively short amount of time guaranteeing a 100% turn around in the weaknesses i currently perceive enabling the potential for an iron clad union to last an indefinite amount of time providing continuity in the genetic stabilization of our bloodlines for centuries to come."
we're not watching Numbers on NBC, we're talking about life.
so i was thinking this morning that marriage isn't 50/50. wives, you're to be giving 100% to this man you have married. WAIT...before you start the hate commenting...husbands, it goes for you too. Marriage isn't about math, keeping score, tallying up your goods against your spouse's bads. it's about emptying yourself of the right to keep score. it's about fulfilling the promises you made while not nagging your spouse to do the same. it's about living open handed, open hearted and sometimes, close mouthed except in prayer.
"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."
but wait, it gets better....
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
Christ died for me. my call to my husband is no less.